Thursday, December 11, 2003

I’ll break from the heavy stuff. Light lifting time. This is, however, not unimportant.

Today’s (first) topic: the candidates’ names.

Clark: Clark is fine for a last name. Sounds very, very “homeland”. But WESLEY? I know he’s a macho warrior type, but somehow “Acting Ensign” springs to mind when I hear that name.

Dean: Again, very homeland for a last name. HOWARD, however, is going to have his ass beat by world leaders. Quick: who would win in a fight? Tony? Vlad? Gerhard? Jaques? Howie?

Edwards: John Edwards. He signed the Mayflower Compact, right?

Gephardt: I know a guy whose first name is Gephardt. He ain’t very macho. And DICK? Um.

Kerry: Again with John. Kerry sounds all Irishy (which, apparently, he’s not), and Irish = cool like monkees dressed as people = comedy.

Kucinich: I like the guy, but he’s got the worst presidential name since LBJ. And unlike big, drawly, offensive, sexist Lyndon, Dennis Kucinich is exactly the sort of guy you might imagine from hearing his name. No es muy macho.

Lieberman: Good ole Joe. Holy Joe. Lieberman even sounds like “loverman”, but I think Haddassa can address that better than me. Of course, his name makes him sound Jewish, and there are more than a few antisemites in the US. Perhaps Joe Loverman would be an option.

Mosley-Braun: Carol is a girl’s name, unless you are Archie Bunker. I am fairly certain that my fellow Amuhrkins ain’t ready for a female president yet. She should change her name to Carl.

Sharpton: Al Sharpton just sounds *sharp*. I like it.

Based on this standard, John Kerry, John Edwards, Joe Loverman, Carl Mosley-Braun (or just Carl Mosley or Carl Braun: ooh! a Mosley/Braun ticket!) and Al Sharpton all have a chance.


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