If you are reading this, you do not exist.

You see, I went to high school with George Wilson. His dad played college football with Joe Namath. Namath was on "The Brady Bunch". That show did not exist.

Therefore, neither do you.

Lest you doubt me (which isn't possible, since I don't exist and you don't exist and are therefore not capable of doubting me), consider this: I have met Howard Johnson. He used to play baseball for the Birmingham Barons and, then, for the New York Mets. He was on the same championship team as Keith Hernandez, as it happens. Kramer and Newmann, you may recall, once accused Mr Hernandez of spitting on them and later befriended Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes, thereby negating our collective existence.

A close examination of
THIS website will allow you to shuck off your realness once and for all.


EDITED TO ADD: There was a time in my life when I was an active Episcopalian (motto: wherever there are four Episcopals you'll find a fifth) and our parish used to reserve the diocesan camp (wonderful, wonderful Camp McDowell, beautiful queen of Clear Creek) for the weekend nearest Halloween. Once we shared the camp with the parish from Childersburg, Alabama. This was the home parish of Polly Holiday (TV's Flo from "Alice" and "Flo"). I have met Ms Holiday. We have spoken with one another. So anyway, Flo (I call her Flo) was in several episodes of the loathesome "Home Improvement" with Tim Allen. Mr Allen was in the excellent film "Galaxy Quest" with Sigourney Weaver, who was in "Aliens" with Bill Paxon. Paxon was in "Apollo 13" with Kevin Bacon.

Five steps. I'm just sayin'.