The Onion. Nuff said.

You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism?: "Let's work together to pave the way for a big, bright, beautiful fucking future for America, all right? So all the world can once again say, 'Hey, where's that warm, golden glow coming from? Why, it's coming from the U.S. of A., where cocks are thick, tits are perky, and sunbeams shine out of everyone's asses!'"