The big news (over on this side of the water anyway) is that "Do They Know It's Christmas?" has been rerecorded. All the big British stars are on it, including, um, whoever is big in Britain these days (I have, in fact, heard of some of them).

Good cause. I hope they raise loads of money. I'm all for it.

But let's not kid ourselves: It's not the world's greatest song.

"It's Christmas time / There's no need to be afraid / At Christmas time / We let in light and we banish shade / And in our world of plenty / We can spread a smile of joy / Throw your arms around the world / At Christmas time"

I'll let the first verse slide. It is a little corny, but this is a Christmas song so corn is in order.

"But say a prayer / Pray for the other ones / At Christmas time it's hard / But when you're having fun / There's a world outside your window / And it's a world of dread and fear / Where the only water flowing / Is the bitter sting of tears"

Stop right there. I like the image, and I hate to pick on this verse since it belongs, in part, to my beloved Sting, but the NILE? The CONGO? The ZAMBEZI? Lots of rivers in Africa, including in Ethiopia. The Sahara, I'll grant, is all but waterless, but not many people live there. There was water flowing, but it wasn't flowing to the folks who needed it. Anyway, the next lines rock:

"And the Christmas bells that ring / There are the clanging chimes of doom / Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you"

Kool.

A word on the chorus: a) if we let them know it is Christmastime, will they go "Dude! It's Christmastime! I should stop feeling so hungry!" b) some tens of millions of Africans are Christians and have been since the getgo, so they probably are aware of Christmas c) the song relies on that old "Christmas is the one time of year when you should stop being a greedy, ignorant asshole" for its punch. I prefer Jackson Browne's "The Rebel Jesus" in this respect, as it is more critical. But whatever.

I'm being a bit of a humbug. I'm not sure what my problem is.

"And there won't be snow in Africa / This Christmas time"

I'm pretty sure there will be. The Atlas Mountains? Kilimanjaro? The SNOWS thereof? Ring any bells? And anyway, there won't be all that much snow in Britain this Christmas time! At least not in England. Not really known for being all that snowy, is it? And what the fuck does snow have to do with anything? Perhaps I'm just acting out here, but since I, like most of the rest of humanity, hail from a temperate/subtropical part of the world I've always taken humbrage at the whole Christmas/snow connection. Fuck that noise, you fucking yankees! If I was LUCKY I got an inch of snow for a few hours a year.

Calming down. Getting a grip.

"The greatest gift they'll get this year is life / Where nothing ever grows / No rain nor rivers flow / Do they know it's Christmas time at all?"

I've dealt with most of these points above, but let's recap: NOTHING ever grows? Nothing EVER grows? If that is the case, we shouldn't "feed the world": we should be helping the world pack, cuz they need to move to a place where something sometimes grows. And rain? They get that. Rivers? Dude, they've got SuperRivers! Don't be silly.



Phew. I'm glad I got that out of my system. I'm sorry for being such an ass. I don't know what's up, but I've been thinking that for twenty fucking years (seriously, I was like this when I was a kid, too).

Feed the world.


Edited to add:

Band Aid stars 1984 vs 2004

THE CLASS OF 1984
Bananarama -- I knew them and liked them then and still do.
Bob Geldof -- I didn’t know him then. Know him now and like him.
Culture Club -- I knew them then but didn’t like them. I like them now.
David Bowie -- I knew him and liked him then and still do.
Duran Duran -- I knew them then but didn’t like them. I like them now.
Eurythmics -- I knew them and liked them then and still do.
Frankie Goes to Hollywood -- I knew them and liked them then and still do.
Heaven 17 -- I didn’t know them then. Know them now but am ambivalent.
Human League -- I knew them and liked them then and still do.
Kool and the Gang -- I knew them and liked them then and still do.
Midge Urge -- I didn’t know him then. Know him now but am ambivalent.
Paul McCartney -- I knew him and liked him then and still do (old stuff).
Paul Young -- I didn’t know him then. Know him now but am ambivalent.
Phil Collins -- I knew him and liked him then and still do (old stuff).
Spandau Ballet -- I knew them and liked them then and still do.
Status Quo -- I didn’t know them then. Know them now but am ambivalent.
Sting -- I knew him and liked him then and still do.
The Style Council -- I didn’t know them then. Still don’t know them.
U2 -- I knew them and liked them then and still do.
Wham! -- I knew them then but didn’t like them. I still don’t.

THE CLASS OF 2004
Bono and Paul McCartney are back. As for the rest . . .
Robbie Williams -- I know him and like him.
Chris Martin (of Coldplay) -- I know him and suspect I like him.
The Darkness -- I know them and suspect I like them.
Sugarbabes -- I don’t know them.
Travis -- I don’t know them.
Busted -- I don’t know them.
Will Young -- I don’t know him.
Dido -- I know her and sorta like her.
Beverley Knight -- I don’t know her.
Jamelia -- I don’t know her.
Lemar -- I don’t know her.
Estelle -- I don’t know her.
Ms Dynamite -- I don’t know her.
Feeder -- I don’t know them.
Keene-- I don’t know them.
Snow Patrol-- I don’t know them.

Old much?